Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
