I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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