just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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