she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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