there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
