I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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