someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
