Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
