Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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