I'm lost and stupid without you.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
