i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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