so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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