did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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