Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
