Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i think i have two assholes
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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