I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
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Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
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You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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