then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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