No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You took a bar mat shot.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
