what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
