watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
