Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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