im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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