Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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