I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
