And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
