she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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