The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
