I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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