why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
