I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
