I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
