I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
