Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
