i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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