did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
