I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
