well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
