...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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