His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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