Please, let me fuck your mom
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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