"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
