3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
