remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
