Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
