I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
