Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
