The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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