Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
