but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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