I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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