I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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