i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
