ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
