I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
