it was like his penis was on wheels.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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