Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
