How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
