At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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