Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
