Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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