we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
