So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
